(music plays)
(screaming)
(death sputter)
(heart beating)
Christ this shit is dusgusting!
Cut! For Christsake, turn on the friggin' lights.
Darling.
Of course it is disgusting, disgusting is
what we do! Disgusting is what we sell.
Disgusting is what pays your salary! Disgusting is what
we want!
Uh Mr. Evian why don't we just take a...
Evan, Evan!
Maybe we should just take a break.
Maybe, she needs some
motivation, yes I think so.
Fuck you Eli!
Evan! Evan! Everyone Evan!
What fucking motivation? You ask me to eat
kill him with a stake and eat his heart out!
Hey hey, Evan why don't we show her what it's really like
(laughs)
(struggle)
We'll show you.
Help! No!
Evan! Evan!
You know it looks nothing like the real thing.
This won't hurt at all, honest!
Jamey, the mallet please.
Yes sir.
Yes thank you so much!
Hmmm.
Oh oh oh! Could you hold this?
But of course.
You must remain still, it really won't hurt I promise you.
Now this is the movies, remember this is the movies, here we go.
Ready? Two, three (screams)
(laughter) Oh a little tap'll do ya
(chuckles) That was good.
Okay boys, now let me show you
the real thing!
Oh boy!
Evan, have a heart!
Evan! Evan!
For christsake, Evan!
Evan, Evan, yeah!
Yeah boy (sniffs)
And still, there is no relief in sight from the
ninety degree heat wave and the unrelenting humidity.
It is doubtful that we will see a break much before next week.
On the local front this cable network
as well as others across the country have been deluged
with letters the past few weeks both in anger and in praise
regarding the pirate broadcasts of something called
the Howard and Eli show, for those of you
unaware of this phenomenon, it appears that some electronics
wiz has found a way to scramble the sat elite signals of
this and other cable stations across the country and the
world for all we know, in order to substitute their own
programming, and what a program it is
Howard and Eli, two very strange individuals
purport to be talk show hosts and they
preview and review what are apparently homemade
snuff videos. No one thus far can
figure out where the show emanates from or whether or not the videos
shown are real or just the work of some very good special
effects experts, but regardless the show is quite
controversial, and also quite a hit.
Local authorities are working diligently to find the base of operations
and the FBI is investigating the reality
of the aleged "splatter videos." The FCC
wants it known that it does not take lightly to this sort of
flagrant disregard of cable regulations.
Meanwhile, it appears that there are as many viewers who are in love with the show
as those who are horrified by it.
And this announcer finds it particularly frightening that many
viewers write to ask where they can send in their own, homegrown
video violence, the managers of this cable station
want to make it very clear that the Howard and Eli Show
is the work of outlaws and has nothing to do whatsoever.
What? Really?
Well ladies and gentleman, it appears that the boys
are at it again, it seems we are losing some of our
signal strength, apparently they are breaking in as
I speak, so I guess if you have a
strong stomach and you're curious, stay tuned
to this channel for what apparently will be a broadcast of the
Howard and Eli Show, if however you faint at the
sight of blood I suggest you change the channel now.
This is channel 35 cable news network
signing off for tonight.
(music plays)
Warm up your chainsaws and sharpen
your knives, it's time for those
gurus of gore! Yes...
it's the Howard and Eli Show!
(audience shouting)
Tonight's homemade splatter videos include
another visit to the zany video studios, a home made
electric chair, and the succulent segment
on violent young college women.
Plus a special treat when we bring on a live
guest actress! So let's go to our very own
madcap murderers, Howard and Eli!
(applause) (music)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to.
WGOR, and the Howard and Eli Show. And now tonight's
hosts, Eli!
Thank's Howard! How's everybody doing
tonight? Great, great. You know a funny thing happened
to me last week. I was out hunting with my buddy Lester, when out from behind
a tree jumps this beautiful babe, buck-ass naked
I went up to her and I says "are you game?" She goes.
"Sure" so Lester shot her! (laughter and applause)
Now for you Howard, what's red and green and goes
120 miles per hour?
What's red and green and goes 120 miles an hour?
I don't know.
A frog in a blender!
(laughter and applause)
One more, one more. What's black and white and red all over
and can't get through a revolving door?
What's black and white and can't get through a revolving door?
Do you know that one Gordo?
I, I don't know.
No what is it?
A nun with a spear through her head! (laughter)
I see Gordon liked that one, you know Gordon our musical
maniac (applause)
You sound hot tonight Gord! (laughter)
You know a lot of people don't know this about Gordon, but he was once heavily involved in
politics, he had to give it up because the opposition found too many
skeletons in his closet, real ones! (laughter)
One of them was his old girlfriend.
One day she goes "Oh Gordon, you kill me"
so he did! (laughter)
I tell you though, it was probably the best thing he ever did
remember her she was such a nag, I remember I was over for dinner one time
and she starts up "Gordon, Gordon I hate my brother's"
guts." Remember what you said to her? "Shut up and
eat what I put in front of you.” (laughter)
And another time I was over and she started again.
"Gordon, Gordon, I'm tired of running around in circles" and Gordon
goes "ah shut up before I nail your other foot to the floor!"
(laughter and applause)
Some women, you just can't satisfy them. Die hard batteries
or not, I tell you. But hey seriously we got a great show for you
tonight, so stay tuned. We'll be right back.
Do it Gord! (music plays)
(Christmas music)
"For Joey, love Mom."
Looking for that special gift for that hard to
please child?
A Wilber! You got me a Wilber!
(growls) This Christmas, there's Wilber
(growls)
He's so soft! So cuddly!
And so deadly
(growls) Let Wilber do the dirty work
for you.
(blood pours, chewing sounds)
Don't forget! Wilber is completely
machine washable.
This Christmas, bring home a Wilber. Available at pet shops everywhere.
(music plays)
Isn't that Wilber adorable?
He sure is Eli!
What do you think Gordon?
Reminds me of a cousin I once had in Philadelphia
I never knew you had a cousin?
I had one.
Oh, well let's bring out our guest. She answered an ad we
put in the trades about the casting of a splatter film.
It didn't happen to mention nudity did it Eli?
It certainly did Howard! We're gonna bring her on and tell her that
this is an audition for a low budget horror film and that we are
going to videotape it as her screen test. Howard would you bring on.
Ms. what's her name?
Landow!
Certainly Eli!
(applause and music)
Hi! I'm Eli, I'm the director of this movie.
This is my best boy Howard.
And you are?
I'm Debbie Landow. I brough you a photo and resume.
Great.
Thank you.
These are some very impressive credentials here Eli.
Yes indeed! I can definitely see you playing the
lead in Pacific Overtures, and in Sioux City
as well. The big time.
Big!
Tell us something about playing uh, Ophelia
that was in Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.
Oh you did that version?
Well tell me do you have any film and movie credits?
Uh, oh sure plenty! I did an industrial for Counter Banks
where I played the head teller, and I was in the Low budget Sci-fi
called "The Extraterrestrial Hooker"
I saw that.
Yeah that's very impressive, have you ever done any Beckett
or Tourindo?
I did a condom commerical once, would that have been a Beckett?
Sounds absurd, could have been. Tell us
something about yourself Debbie.
Oh well I was born in Omaha Nebraska but I moved
right away to New Jersey, where I was raised by my Aunt Ethel
I took tap and ballet as a little girl and now I think
I'm ready to break into Hollywood, my favorite color is
blue, I like to read and ride my bike and
my turnoffs are hairy women and finding dead mice
in the bottom of soda bottles.
Oh yeah I hate that too, yeah.
You can't get the things out, they stay and bounce around.
Well Debbie, it's time to see if you can act. I'm gonna have you read a scene with Howard
here, we're gonna videotape it and send it to my producers, and if they
like it, you've got the job. How does that sound?
Great!
Great, here's the script.
Take a minute to look it over
(music plays)
Okay?
Okay.
Great! Great! You ready now?
Sure, um, I guess so.
I'm not so good at cold readings
that's ok, we want this to look spontaneous anyway.
Let me set the scene, the place
is the tan-fastic tanning salon
you are a beautiful young model
relaxing under the heat of the ultra violet lights
why don't you take your top off and uh
that skirt, shoes, uh whatever else you
got on, you know, get comfortable.
Ok. (laughs)
(music plays)
Here's some oil, to help you get in the mood.
Okay.
Rub a little on.
Okay.
Hey I'm gonna have one of my men come out and bring one of the lights on to
to set a little more of the ambience
I think you need a little more oil.
Oh ok, um, I'm gonna get it all over me.
Well why don't you just take it off then?
Get it out of the way.
Oh okay, sure
(laughs)
Uh, have you any sunglasses you can
put on as well?
Oh yeah I've got some in my bag.
Oh great. Howard is gonna portray the verile
young towel boy, who you secretly have a crush on
but in reality he's a psychotic, erotic
serial killer, okay? The action
starts, you're all alone or so you think
and then Howard will burst in. Cameras
rolling? And action!
Boo!
(screams) You scared me, covering her breasts!
Cut cut! Debbie.
Baby, sweetheart, "covering her breasts"
is a stage direction, you don't say it
that's what those funny bracket things are for.
Oh oh okay
Howard bursts in you say "You scared me!"
And then you cover your breasts with your hands.
Okay yeah I got it.
Can I try it again?
Oh of course.
Okay.
Cameras! Rolling! And
action!
Boo! (screams)
You scared me!
You're not supposed to, you're not supposed to be
in here! What do you want?
Well babe, since it's after hours and
no one's around, I thought you and me might have
a little party. You know, do a jay, do a little
vino, get down?
Well I don't know. We hardly know each other.
Besides I have to do my other side yet.
Well that's a good place to begin, why not let me
oil up your back.
Okay, but not too much.
Hey, hey what the hell do you think you're doing?
Great! Adlibbing! You're really into the character, go with it!
Character, shit this hurts! This isn't part of the script! Stop it!
- Stop! Somebody help me! Help! - Hurry up with that gag, come on.
Come on, get that in her mouth (laughs)
Congratulations Debbie, you passed the audition
you got the part! You're in a real live splatter film!
We're not quite sure what we are going to do to you yet, but whatver it is
- will be very entertaining. - Well, now
it's time for our second homemade video, it's from somebody
I'm sure you'll recognize so stay tuned!
So you wanna be a star babe? (laughter)
(applause)
> WGOR »
Yuck!
Hi there! I'm a retired police officer
in my spare time I like to dabble in electrical devices
I'm pretty good with things like VCRs.
The one thing I wanted to see
when I was a cop was a good old
electrocution, I wanted to see somebody fry
but they abolished capital punishment here in.
Oh is it ok to say where we are?
Well they abolished the death penalty here so
what I did was to make me my own electric chair
now I won't bore you with all those technical aspects, but suffice it
to say I got a 220 line running into this sucker (laughter)
Well that'll fry a fricken elephant if I can get that son of a bitch
into this chair here, well.
Why don't I introduce you all to my wife, Millie!
Hi! I'm Millie, I helped to build this beauty
and I helped to capture this criminal who's gonna fry
in a few minutes, so, what I did was to get
all dressed up with my best jewels dripping from me
and walked down the worst street in the city
and within minutes what do you know? Up comes junior here
with a knife, and well I just maced his ass
and we drugged him up and we brough him home. Instant justice!
Now if this damn contraption will work good at all
we'll have a pretty good video for the show, are you
ready honey?
Yeah just about, just give me a minute to get this nice and tight.
Yeah, well
I guess that just about does it.
Okay sonny!
The verdict's in, the jury finds you guilty!
As charged, and I sentence you to die!
In this homemade hot seat (laughter)
Well honey, how many volts do you think we ought a give him!?
How the hell do I know? Try some low volts and keep goosing
it until it bursts.
That sounds like a good idea to me, well here
goes! (Laughter)
(electric sounds and laughter)
It ain't doing it, it ain't doing it.
We gotta do something, needs more juice or something.
It ain't working!
Come on, come on.
Oh! Now goose it up honey!
Goose it up! Goose it up now!
Look at that son of a bitch jump!
More more!
Alright put it up to full!
Wow! Wooo!
That's gonna do it!
(laughter)
Well! Howard and Eli how'd you like
that one!
(music plays)
Well that certainly was quite impressive.
The act incredible and while the execution
was a bit sloppy, it does warrant repeated viewing
I concur Howard, I particularly like the wife.
Oh yeah.
She exhibited a certain Je ne sais quoi which
I found very refreshing, I really like to see more
of her in the future, speaking of which, I'd like to point out to
our audience that we gave Debbie here a little something to put on
because we know there are children watching.
So Debbie tell us, what did you think of the video?
(muffled screams)
Not talking eh?
Well why don't you just lift your fingers to designate how many stars
four fingers being the best.
It seems she has no opinion, perhaps
we can persuade her Eli.
If we have to!
How about the old puppet on a vein schtick?
Right you are Eli, we have those
surgical scissors?
Certainly!
The first cut is yours.
Ah thank you sir, you're a true gentleman
(laughter)
Hey Howard!
What? Oh right!
You got it now?
Wait a minute, uh yeah.
Ok now I just put the scissor in right there
it goes, ah (screaming)
(screaming)
Ah there we go
(laughter and screaming)
Now let's see, we got a clean cut here.
Ow there we go
(laughter and screaming)
Oh god
(laughter)
Let's see, let's see how many
fingers she gives it now Eli!
(laughter and screaming)
I disagree.
Well then here!
While Howard tends to our guest let me introduce our next video
it was sent to us by a bunch of college age girls
and its entitled "Pizza Man." You'll soon see why.
Ready to roll! Action.
(music plays)
> WGOR »
(laughter) I think we should take care of this bitch here
(groans)
(laughter) I don't think she's going anywhere now
(groans)
Howard and Eli, they are fantastic
I love these guys (Laughter)
(disgust and laughter)
She loves it.
Oh my god
(laughter)
Let's cut this one up in pieces.
That poor girl (screaming)
She loves it.
This is my favorite.
Here
(laughter) You need more of that.
I swallowed my gum.
Boy that was a great scene.
Shhh, I wanna hear what Howard and Eli have to say.
Stupendous! One of the most ten best! Man the
fear on her face when she realized that that guy was gonna bash her
in the skull with that statue of Gandhi.
Man that was worth a million bucks!
I myself was partial to the partial nudity.
Of course.
She had a great set of (laughter)
Do you believe these guys?
You're one of those ladies men, Eli.
Thanks Howard (laughter)
Boy those guys are really funny.
This is the best thing that appeared on cable since Fraggle Rock.
The videos are great.
Those two idiots are hysterical.
Come on, I disagree. Those guys are chauvinists and what
really bothers me is that it's always some guy hunting down and
splattering some totally helpless half undressed female I'd like
to see it change for once.
Oh yeah, well put your money where your mouth is
I bet you wouldn't have the guts to kill someone.
That girl had the guts and they're all over the floor
I'm serious, I'll bet Bonnie she wouldn't have the guts
to pull off a senseless gorey murder, well Bonnie?
Alright, I'm game. What
do you have in mind?
Shut up, I'm hungry wanna order a pizza?
There you have it, let's order a pizza and
when the kid gets here, we'll videotape ourselves a little
splatter film, only this time we'll rip the shit out of some
innocent and unsuspecting pizza boy.
You're serious aren't you?
Sure I'm serious.
We can probably even show the damn thing on the
Howard and Eli Show, I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!
Well I guess we could do as good a job as these guy, and it'd be a lot more
scary and exciting, I'm game.
Well Bonnie old chum, my bet still stands, you in or out?
Well what would we do with the body?
Depends on how we Kill him, if we chop him up we could take the pieces and wrap them up
in freezer wrap and bring them to the conservation center for recycling.
That sounds like Lerner and Loewe
I think that's Leopold and Loeb dickhead.
You're right.
So how are we gonna kill him?
Let's cut his pecker off.
You really are one sick puppy aren't you?
Ok, what do you suggest? Certainly we have to rape him.
Depends on what he looks like.
Chauvinist.
Well let's start out by calling him and get the son of a bitch in here!
I'll call a place in the next town just to play it safe.
Do you really want to go through with this?
You bet your ass, this could be the most fun we've had in years!
And it'll probably top the crap they've been showing on the Howard and Eli Show.
Did you see the one where they coated the girl with dog food and threw her into the pound
with all those strays, the cameraman couldn't even keep the camera steady!
And there were no closeups, it stunk!
They promised they'd be here within 15 minutes or we'd get 3 dollars off the price.
What kind of pies did you get, I'm starving!
I got two large, one with mushrooms and peppers and one with anchovies and meatballs.
You guys are retarded, how could you think of food at a time like this?
Oh I'm so hungry that if the pizza boy looks half as good as the pie
I'll eat him!
You're disgusting.
You know it, ok now when he gets here.
Let me lead the action, but I need the total participation of both of you.
Are you in or out?
You bet.
Okay.
YES!
(door bell rings) Oh my god!
Okay calm down, straighten up.
This is it
I'll get the door.
Well hi, is this number 8 Elm Street?
Yeah, and we're your nightmare, come on in.
Why don't put them down over there.
So how much do we owe you for those?
Well, well that's um, two
two large pies with two extras comes to
$13.89
Okey doke, while we were waiting for you we were wondering
if we could work the pies off in some other way.
Holy shit.
We were just watching some porno flicks and we're kind of horny.
Well I've, I've gotta get my next order delivered or else they take 3 bucks out of my pay.
Well I think we can make it worth your while.
And if you don't agree we'll pay for our pies plus all the other
ones you have in your car.
Holy shit
I think I'll go put on some music.
Pizza boy, let's see what you're made of (music playing)
How about putting on a little show for us?
You're fucking kidding me right, it's like a joke?
Not at all!
You have no idea how going to the male strip joints makes
women go crazy, by the time you're done
we'll be in a frenzy
(music plays)
(laughter)
Go ahead.
Right, drink.
More, drink more
(laughter)
Right, that's it, right.
Come on, let's get up and dance. Go for it honey, do it.
Yeah that's better, I wanna see it all now.
Right now, mm hm mm (music plays)
(music plays, moaning and giggling)
That's it, that's a great one alright more
I got one special for you
(cheering)
(music plays, moaning and giggling)
I'm gonna get closer to there, yeah that's it more.
Oh butt shot great.
Good yeah!
(music plays, moaning and giggling)
Come on, ok now.
Oh there you go.
Yeah that's it now we're going.
Let's see it now.
How's that? Alright.
Oh more, more.
Oh my shoes, hold on.
We'll help you out
(giggling)
We'll get it don't worry, there's one.
That's what I'm talking about, here we go, left leg
(giggles) There you go.
One leg let's go! (cheers)
(cheering)
(music plays, moaning and giggling)
Whoa Nelly!
Distract him
(music plays, moaning and giggling)
Wow, what's that what you got there?
(music plays, moaning and giggling)
Oh yeah get in there.
Alright come on Belinda let's do it.
Get him down now, right now.
Yeah! Belinda! (cheering)
Wooo yeah.
Oh yeah come on.
Get him down, oh yeah don't let him go.
Here we go, easy now
(music plays)
Well, I gotta hand it to you.
You didn't cop out
I win the bet.
Yep, you do!
Hey know something?
I kinda liked it.
Say I wonder if that Chinese place in town delivers
(laughter)
(music plays)
Wonderful job Gordo.
Now that's what I call state of the art wonderful from beginning to end
I absolutely agree Eli, the three ladies were
luscious and the pizza boy had a real nice fresh sense about him.
Shall we vote?
I think we shall
(screams and laughter)
Come on baby, slice one off of there
I give it one thumb up.
Me too Eli! (laughter)
While we administer to our guest
let's take a look at this promotional video
(music plays)
Finally the one you've been waiting for can be yours.
Yes it's Video Violence 2.
More of the best in homegrown splatter.
If you order right now you'll get such favorites as.
Electrocuting Rita, Nail the Mailman,
the Paper Punching of Polly, Chainsaw Accountants,
redrum, She Wrote,
Roasting Rosie, Two Ghouls for Sister Tara,
Deli Madness, Tillie's Punctured Bladder,
Frenchtown Follies, Severing Sally,
and a favorite of your announcer, The Killing of Mr. and Mrs. Emory!
You'll also get The Vampire Takes a Bride, Return of the Machine Shop,
I Ate Your Guts, Amateur MDs,
The Close Shave, Ice Pick, Anyone?, Eat My Heart Out,
Splatter or Suffocate, Pele Get's a Pouding, Stapling Stanley,
and the adorable Carl the Cuddly Cannibal. Also included:
Does You Fish Bite?, Keep Your Eye Out, Murray Eats His Magnum,
Vivissecting Victor, Castrating Katz, So You Wanna be a Star?,
Captives, The Cereal Killer, An Arm and a Leg, Those Loveable Cut Ups,
and what collection would possibly be complete without some of those fantastic.
Howare and Eli Bloopers, yes if you order right now
the best in home grown splatter can be yours, yes
it's Video Violence 2.
Available in VHS, S-VHS, BETA, Cassette, CD, 8-track, Laserdisc, U-Matic. Order yours today!
(music plays)
Bet you'd love to get your hands on that casette huh?
Unfortunately we haven't yet figured out a way to let you know where to send for it
without tipping our hands to the authorties so for the time being.
You'll just have to be content with looking at previews of coming attractions.
And now it's time for another video, this one was submitted
to us by Joanna Barker.
What you're about to see is what happened when a non-club member
from out of town came in to rent a video
(laughter)
(whistling)
Hey, hey.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Fine, I'd like to rent these three movies please.
Okay, are you a club member?
No I'm not, I'm from out of town.
Oh.
Where are you staying?
Sweeney college, I just got accepted.
Congratulations.
Tonight's orientation night so they sent me down to pick up some tapes.
Okay well, I'll just need to see a driver's license.
Oh sure.
And a major credit card.
It's daddy's.
Great (laughter)
I hope this doesn't cost me an arm and a leg
(laughter)
Oh no
we have quite enough arms and legs this week.
Now I'll just need to make a face print.
A face print, what the hell is that?
Well it's just a way for us to keep track of our non-club members.
Alright sure.
Okay.
Now why don't you just go over there and have a seat, and
we'll be with you in just a minute.
Why not, boy you sure go to a lot of trouble for three lousy tapes.
Well you can never be too careful.
Would you hold this?
Thank you.
What's this for?
Oh just to make sure that you don't move during the process it's
totally painless, don't worry. Nothing to be upset
about, it's very simple, it's a brand new process that
they're using.
Oh I get it, Tracy and Michelle put you up to this right?
Well you could say that.
An initiation prank right?
Yes, I guess so.
Okay now you have to hold very very still.
Ready? Don't worry it's totally painless.
You won't feel a thing (screams)
(laughter and screaming)
Hold her still!
(laughter and screaming)
(applause)
When will it be available to rent?
Oh for christsake, all you people ever want are the new releases.
Geez.
Well that was fun fun fun, and what a creative use of
a shrink wrap machine.
Hey I'd give it a thumbs up but we don't have any left!
How about we go for the toes!
Nah! I wonder what Deb here
thought about the video? Getting an answer out
of her is like pulling teeth Howard.
NAH!
Well maybe she's sitting too far back from the monitor and she can't see 'em.
Maybe she needs glasses
I can fix that! We'll move her eyes closer!
(laughter)
(wimpering)
(laughter and whimpering)
(screaming and laughter)
There it is!
Here Mel
put this next to the monitor. You know,
if we wrap her up anymore, we'll be able to do a mummy movie!
Boy we're having some fun tonight.
And now for a special treat, Howard.
Right you are Eli, we've got a special how-to video tonight all
about how to operate the new household kitchen appliances:
the Drac-O-Matic blood dispenser and the Splicer and Dicer!
We ready to roll 'em?
Let's roll 'em!
(applause)
(music plays)
Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to my show!
Tonight Gladys, Otto, and |
are going to demostrate two new household products we feel you can't
live without. Gladys is new in town and answered my help
wanted sign just this morning, and she doesn't know just how big
a help she's going to be, he he he.
But first, a small commercial for my homemade lemonade.
Here Gladys, have a sip and tell our viewing audience just
what you think.
Boy Mr. Dick this is delicious, what's that unique taste?
Sorry Gladys, that's my secret! That's what keeps people
coming in here to sample my speciality. And now
onto our program folks, it is my pleasure to introduce to you a new time saving
user friendly and FUN to operate gadget that
no one should be without.
You see, to fully appreciate the Slice and Dicer
you need a live body, preferably female
and one that will co-operate.
And now the Slice and Dicer, it slices, it dices,
it shatters and splatters, and it's so simple to operate.
All you do is put the item to be chopped
in the moldable slot.
Line it up just right and push down
hard and quickly!
Well Otto it needs a few refinements.
However uh, each finger it did slice
is uniformly sliced
and the palm is still intact
(humming)
And perfect for the famous finger sandwich
(laughter)
And when it is perfected
the Slice and Dicer will cut through nails,
make mince meat of bones and still stay sharp cut after cut
after cut. Our next item is for the vampire
in all of you, the Drac-O-Matic.
You need to have your subject in an upright position
which means tie her to a chair or suspend
her arms from the ceiling or have your assistant help you.
Now the blood dispenser will work in almost any part of the body but if you
hit a major artery you run the risk of too strong a flow so |
try a fleshy part, like the tush or the
chest! (laughs)
Deli Dick's homemade all natural lemonade, no preservatives!
Will render your victim semi-conscious, euphoric
and very co-operative, and now the.
Drac-O-Matic, find your mark in one of the Poconos
uh polka dots.
Notice how, notice
how easily it slides into the muscles.
Now once everything is set, get yourself a glass,
adjust the flow,
turn her on and fill her up!
(humming)
Mmm!
Betty!
Well that's all for tonight's show, if someone new applies for the job I'll be back
next week with some more culinary delights, in the meantime
don't let your meat loaf!
For the Slicer and Dicer and Drac-O-Matic send $19.95 to.
PO Box 69 Radio Center Grand Station Central Rapids
immediately or charge to your major credit card
(music plays)
> WGOR »
Yuck!
Well that's all we have time for tonight.
Hopefully we'll be back next week with another edition of the Howard and Eli Show.
So from all of us to all of you, keep cutting em up!
Bye bye!
(laughter and music)
Okay and that's a wrap, alright.
You guys wanna start breaking down equipment? It looked good.
Yeah good, real good.
Yeah! (applause)
Hot stuff! Here Gordo have a beer!
Alright! Wow!
Somebody shut these fucking chasers off.
Yeah you got it
(whimpering)
Good show Howard
(laughter) Beauty!
Beauty super, Gord, what can I say big guy.
Unbelievable!
Incredible!
Good, real good.
Come on sweet knees, you can get up now, clean it up!
But I can't get up, can you please untie me from this chair? I don't really have any hands here.
Can't believe how disgusting the last 8 hours have been, I've never been
so disgusted in my whole life sitting here with all this blood on me this rubber this shit.
It's stupid ridiculous things, I can't believe it. And to make it even more humiliating
I can't believe I had to say that ridiculous script, did you write that Eli because I am sorry
but that sucked, that was the most humiliating thing in my entire life
and if you touch me one more time you
are lucky my hands were tied because I was going to smack your face off.
You're so disgusting, can I have a robe please? Do I have to stand nude in front of you all day?
Get this off of me, would you help me here, this is so gross look at
this this is disgusting, it is in my hair and all over me if this stains
you are in big shit, I am not gonna walk around with red hands for the rest of my life
I'm sorry.
God this is so gross, could I have something please?
I'm not gonna stand here all day.
Can you help her here Eli?
Yeah I think I will, uh guys.
Can I have something please.
You know what?
What?
You talk too much (snap)
Can we have something to cover her up? Got it Howard?
Good, real good.
Man.
A mouth on that one.
You stud, get me a beer there.
You got a beer down there? Eli!
Solid!
Yeah! (laughter)
(knocking on the door) Who the hell's that?
Batteries, we can take it with us.
Some background music.
Hey, it's a tape, and a note.
Says "Dear Howard and Eli, please watch this for a big surprise".
Throw it in!
Alright.
Seems a little familar, sort of "deja vouis".
Somebody around here's gt a sense of humor.
That's true.
Well alright let's roll that sucker.
Put that baby in.
Oh that's sweet.
Hello Howard, Hello Eli. I wonder if you
can guess who this is.
Let me give you a hint, my wife and I used to live in New York
my husband used to run a movie theater.
I used to work for a big legal firm.
We moved into your town a little over a year ago, and became
very close friends.
Got any ideas yet or do you need some more clues?
Well how about, a 1978 green
Datsun B210, do you remember what it looked
like from the back of a stolen back renegade?
They gotta be fucking kidding us.
Remember a kid by the name of Rick Carlson? Boy
it must have been some job to try and carry his body out
through the door in the back of my Video Studio
Jesus Christ, we cut them up into 6900 pieces.
What kind of shit is this?
(laughter) I bet you two guys think you cut us up into
a thousand little tiny pieces, well look again.
Holy shit!
Yes fellows, it took quite a lot of work to patch us back together again
but between the finest surgeons and plastic surgeons
we're here to tell the tale.
And what a tale it is!
Don't forget, we know everything.
We can name names, we know about Reggie Hobbes.
And we know about the Sheriff.
That was pretty funny, him pretending not to know
how to run a VCR, he had me fooled.
And when I think of what I really ate when I ordered
that bologna at the deli, I wanna die.
Now the question is, what do we do about it all?
My instinct is to turn you all over to the authorities
I mean after all we know where you all live.
We know where your studio is, we know who
mudered who and where all the bodies are buried.
And if you think that you can destroy all of the evidence I just want you
to consider the possibility that we've already talked and the FBI
is on it's way over to you right now.
But I think I've talked my wife out of that plan
I mean after all to me it's an eye for an eye and considering
what you did to mine, I think we'll go with plan B.
In Plan B, we burst into your
television studio and do exactly what you did to us
(panicked yells)
Alright sleaze bags!
You fat tub of shit, freeze right where you are!
SHIT! I don't fucking believe this!
Please don't kill me! I didn't mean it!
Lights!
Camera!
Action!
(chainsaw and screaming)
Okay Eli, this one's for you
(BANG)
(off key piano)
Rosebud.
(chainsaw revving)
(chainsaw and pleading)
(chainsaw stops)
You son-of-a-bitch!
You son of a bitch! Oh you!
You son of a bitch!
(laughter)
We fooled you!
Man we got you back!
I bet you thought it was them.
You guys!
(laughter)
You got us.
Alright did you get it all on tape?
Right, ha!
I haven't had so much fun since we killed the real Emory family
(laughter) yeah, yeah Joann but I hope.
This shit will come off my face, you know?
It'll come out sooner than the shit in my pants!
(laughter) Alright alright now listen, quiet.
Shhhh. Are you ready?
Alright, just finished talking to my agent at the Morris office
13 weeks as a sitcom,
(cheer) a mini-series,
and Howard and Eli
the Movie! (cheering)
(music starts)